Rainbows and Unicorns

Disclaimer: Everything in this blog might be exaggerated. Writing gives you the leisure to do that, or so I hope. 

I have come to an understanding that I am too emotionally dependent on people I love. I have always struggled to find my foot between being completely independent and being completely dependent. It stems from how I have been raised, I believe. My father would hug me when I would come home crying because a friend said something mean to me at the playground. My mother would get worried sick when I was sick. I would express all my feelings and they would try their best to understand me. 

Apart from that, I have been blessed with friends like that too. When I was going through a tough time, they would be by my side at least until I felt better. I always had a hug that I could turn to despite being unable to give the same. They would always search for medicines for me when I was curled up in my bed. I have always had an understanding that this is what loved ones do. 

I could cry in the arms of the person I loved for hours, yet not shed a single tear a second after in the presence of another person in the room. This led to people I barely knew describe me as strong and happy, and sometimes rude or emotionally unavailable. I would not say I am not happy. I am happy. I am grateful for everything life has offered me. Someone somewhere would wish they had my worst days. However, I am anything but strong. 

These days have been quite tough for me. I am being told that my sense of reality is distorted. Perhaps it is. I have a different perspective, apparently a perspective which is far from truth. I have people expecting a quick change. That has me panicking. Am I suffering from a mental illness? Am I going to be okay? Am I too late to realize that this is perhaps the dreaded adulthood? Am I too emotional? Am I being too logical? Where is the right balance? I am however proud to say that I have actually come a long way. There was a time, when one person would give me one negative comment and my world would go downward spiral. Now I need to hear from two people to know that I have an issue. 

When I express to Person A that I was told I had this problem by Person B. I guess the Person A realizes that I really do have that problem because when I enter a disagreement with Person A, Person A urges that I really have that issue and that I should have it fixed. Within a week, I have been asked to fix 5 'issues' that I have; 

Overreacting

Failure to understand 

Immaturity

Keep it interesting

Overthinking 

Overly emotional 

Not Giving Time

Giving too much Time 

Not being grateful

And the best one yet, exaggerating  

Oh-wait seems like there is actually more than 5 (And they probably come from my distorted sense of reality. Maybe they never even said it or never 'meant it in that way'. Maybe I took it that way because I thought these are how I was). Now that you heard it too, the feelings might have resonated with you. You will now start to find the same issues in me. Now think of another person, someone close to you who has displayed such emotions at least once or more to you. What a coincidence! The same description fits him/her too. Oh my god- I guess there are more 'humans' than we had thought there would be. It had me defensive at first but I guess it is humane too to not have the complete perspective. I can see where it seemed like I was suffering from those issues. I wouldn't deny it. I am all of that. I am also more than that. You are also all of that but you are also more than that. Under different circumstances, we are all bound to act a certain way which will not always be in your control. You regret your actions but that doesn't mean you have no rights to feel that way again. Why would you be walking on earth if you have achieved perfection? 

To be shaken by these comments made me realize that I need to strengthen my core principles. As long as I have not lost my fundamentals, I am worthy of being a human.

It would be selfish to say that your loved ones have to bear with all your tantrums. They are as humane as you are. They have the need to be understood as much as we do. They have a perspective too. Both of us can be correct. I can see a circle from my line of sight and you probably see a cylinder from your line of sight. With this, I deeply apologize for all the tantrums and victimizing myself that I have done to anyone. To work on limiting these issues is great. Less trouble for the people you love. Less trouble for yourself. Hence, I am not saying that I refuse to work on these issues or trying to prove a point anything near to that. As a matter of fact, I try everyday to grow. However, if I am expected to have the growing curve to be linear, with no setbacks, no falls, I would very much start burping rainbows and flying unicorns.